Onion Network's News on Facebook as CIA Front Is Taken Seriously in Japan

I know the Japanese are way too serious on certain things and way too casual on others (the worst nuclear accident in the history of Japan, for example), but I felt sorry when I saw tweets circulating rapidly in Japan about the Onion video from last year where "CIA Deputy Director" says the agency created Facebook, and it is saving the government millions of dollars.

They thought Onion News Network is real, like ABC, CBS, NBC, or BBC.

Well it is real, now I think about it. I can't tell the difference any more.

Sigh.

Tweet

Latest Financial News Summary by the Onion News Network

(or Network News, whatever...) And it's just about right. Or so I think. Whatever. Does it matter?

Something About Tax Cuts Or Earnings Or Money Or Something In Recent Economic News (9/29/2010 ONN)

WASHINGTON—Some sort of tax cut or earnings or money or something was reported in economic news this week in further evidence that a lot of financial- related things have been going on lately.

According to numerous articles and economics segments from major media outlets, experts on banks and such have become increasingly concerned over a new extension or rates or a proposal or compromise that could signal fewer investments, and dollars, and so on.

The experts confirmed that the stimulus has played a role.

"This is a clear sign of a changing cycle," some top guy at one of the big banks in New York said of purchasing power parity or possibly rate of return during a recent interview on CNN. "Which isn't to say that a sustained drop in wages couldn't still occur, even if the interest paid on reserves is lowered."

"In short, it's possible but not probable that growth could outpace our initial expectations," added the banking guy, who went on to say other money things, too. "It depends on investor sentiment."

The man, who also apparently mentioned the Nasdaq, the Dow, and the Japan one at some point or another, talked for a really long time about credit or reductions or possibly all these figures, which somehow relate to China.

Greece was also involved.

An analyst from Citigroup or Citibank announced on Monday that the Federal Reserve System is doing too much, while the Fed has failed to accomplish its goals to increase inflation or interest, which are different things. In addition, he was critical of the Fed's efforts to regulate the Bernanke.

"There might be a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now the markets are still struggling," the man who was wearing a blue suit and red tie said about some special money tunnel. "At this point, though, it's too early to say."

The head Treasury person, whose name sounds like Guyver or Meisner, appeared on every major network this week, either to assure Americans that everything was better or was going to get better or was never going to get better. Some other guy argued that it has never been that good. During interviews, the Treasury guy was observed on several occasions smiling or wincing.

According to a recent issue of The Wall Street Journal, there are currently a bunch of columns filled with a wide variety of numbers, letters, and symbols.

Geithner—that is the Treasury guy's name.

Another expert, Lawrence Kudlow, who hosts the CNBC program The Kudlow Report, was upbeat over the amount of points available in the industrial average or pleased with where the percentages were at.

"It's simple, actually, because the current dividend yield is equivalent to the most recent full-year dividend divided by the current share price," Kudlow said really quickly. "And that's basically the situation we're in now, for better or worse."

Paul Krugman, New York Times columnist and 2008 winner of the Nobel Prize for something in one of those economics categories, acknowledged in an editorial this week that the SEC must work closely with the stock market, Wall Street, and the New York Stock Exchange to maintain the bulls, bears, and opening bells. Krugman also said something could spur lending or trading or budgetary measures.

Although it has not been totally determined whether Krugman agrees with leading experts on assets or retail sales data or other fiscal things, reliable sources have confirmed that he has a beard.

Time or Newsweek recently published a cover story on the recession or the government debt or incomes or GDP or something similar to that, but kind of focused on how it's the fault of the rich, the middle class, and the poor.

In addition, mutual funds, probably.

Tweet

Onion Network: Local Family Homeless After Tornado Destroys White House

(I needed a chuckle to lighten up the day.)

The latest news from the Onion Network News...

Local Family Homeless After Tornado Destroys White House: 'We've Lost Everything,' Family Says (7/21/2010 ONN)

WASHINGTON—Barack Obama stands alone in the ruins of what was once his living room, calling out in vain for a dog that never comes. Less than 36 hours ago, his house stood proudly intact. But the violent tornado that tore through the region late Sunday night upended everything in an instant, scattering his belongings and leaving his family homeless and helpless.

"My God, just look at this," the 48-year-old government employee said as he surveyed the splintered furniture and mangled chandeliers that littered the 18-acre property. "Everything is gone. Our clothes, our family photos, the federal budget for fiscal year 2011—it's all gone."

Added Obama, "This was our dream home."

With no relatives in the area to turn to, the Obamas have been living in the basement of Calvary Methodist Church on M Street and bathing at the nearby YMCA. However, with the church running low on canned goods and funds to support the displaced family, Obama worries he and his loved ones may soon be forced to move into a shelter or live out of their motorcade.

"My youngest daughter keeps asking me when we can go home," said part-time social worker Michelle Obama, 46, who escaped the disaster with nothing more than her enduring spirit and the Narciso Rodriguez cap-sleeve silk dress on her back. "I don't know what to tell her."

As of press time, several items of sentimental value to the family remained unaccounted for, including Mrs. Obama's wedding gown, both daughters' baby books, David Axelrod, and an antique portrait of George Washington that had been in the home for generations.

For Mr. Obama, who had worked primarily from a home office, the tornado's merciless destruction has been a doubly painful blow.

"My desk was right here," said a drawn Obama, pointing down at a tattered, rubble-strewn carpet bearing the Seal of the President of the United States. "I'd sit here every morning with my cup of coffee and paper, quietly perusing the latest intelligence on credible terrorist plots against the U.S. mainland."

"I'd give anything to have the comfort of that daily routine back," Obama added.

According to the National Weather Service, the category F3 tornado was spawned by a line of severe thunderstorms that struck the District of Columbia around 11 p.m. Sunday. The funnel cloud, with winds gusting up to 165 miles per hour, touched down only briefly, carving a short but devastating swath of destruction along Pennsylvania Avenue that not only leveled the family's house, but also uprooted numerous trees and drove one of Obama's American-flag lapel pins 3 inches into the north face of the Washington Monument.

Although they had only lived in the charming 132-room house for a year and a half, the Obamas had been eyeing the residence for years before finally being able to close on it in November 2008. What Obama had worked ceaselessly to attain, however, was demolished in a matter of moments, with the ravaging storm not even sparing his wife's beloved backyard vegetable garden.

"A really loud roaring noise woke me up, and I just knew it was a twister," said Malia Obama, 12, clad in an ill-fitting 'Hillary 2008' sweatshirt donated by a family friend. "So, just like Dad taught us, we all ran out of our bedrooms, down the Grand Staircase, through the foyer, the East Colonnade, and the Garden Room, down into the East Wing sub-basement, and made it into the bunker just as the roof of the house was lifted off."

While the Obamas acknowledge that regrouping from such a devastating tragedy will be a long and difficult process, they are drawing strength from the overwhelming outpouring of support and generous donations they have received from friends, neighbors, and lobbyists.

"When I heard the bad news, I figured I'd swing over with a few longnecks for Barry and some intimates for Michelle," said Joe Biden, one of Barack Obama's coworkers, referring to the six-pack of Budweiser and assortment of women's underwear and negligee that he hand-delivered to the family Monday evening. "Hope she's a size 10. Sure looks like a 10."

Tweet

ONN: U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use of Hillary Clinton

Against Pakistan, ONN (Onion News Network) reports. (Warning: it's a joke, no matter how real it may or may not seem to you.)

Tweet

OT: ONN Says Children Oppose Health Care

Onion News Network (ONN), America's finest news source, said back in 2008 that children were strongly opposed to health care.

"It's clear these children are worried that increased government funding for health insurance is a slippery slope to socialized health care."

"So you're saying this is a political issue for them."

"And a moral one. When we asked them if they see universal health care as an unfair burden to certain taxpayers and would they like a lollipop almost all children said yes."

Tweet